In response to people who have been questioning my motives
for what I have been up to recently...
For so long I had felt like I was at the bottom of a pit
with no way out. Losing my wife of 9 years felt like the end of everything. Up
to that point I had never seen a dead person let alone watch someone die in
your arms. It has taken four years to
drag myself out of the pit I was in, constantly being dragged back by the PTSD
I was suffering from, along with half a dozen other psychological issues I had
been diagnosed with by my therapist on the way.
“I got away for a
little while, but then it came back much harder. “
- Damon Albarn
That’s how things were for those first few years after, up
and down and all around. Bouncing off the walls feeling like a prisoner. I can sort of laugh about how ill I was then,
but then it’s rather shocking as you don’t realise how bad you were until much
longer after the fact. Then you realise how far you have come. You never get
over it, you just learn to deal with it appropriately, and after all being
upset about certain things is just part of being human. It’s what makes you
normal.
I say to people I’m better now. Guess that depends on your
definition of better.
For me being better comes from having a greater sense of
perspective I think. Being mentally ill I think is when you lose all
perspective. For me it is anyway. What is it they say? “Too close and you lose
sight of the bigger picture.”
For me perspective has come in the form of the plight of
Syrians fleeing the civil war. Last year I had the privilege of meeting a
family from Syria in Istanbul. Their story touched me deeply. Click on the link
to read Muhammed’s Story. Obviously one is aware that their story is in no way
unique after five years of war have ravaged the country, but I can honestly say
I have never been moved so much by meeting people before in the course of my
life. Here is a father with his child, just like me and my children they have
lost their wife and mother, but they also lost other family members, Muhammed
lost his legs and they have become refugees in a different country. I couldn’t begin to comprehend the trauma they
went through, I was staggered, I know how hard the loss of my wife was for me
and my family. I could recognise the signs of PTSD in Muhammed and others I met.
Yet here they were, welcoming me into their home and bending over backwards to
keep me and my friend topped up with tea, coffee, food and cigarettes, imploring
us to come back when we felt like we were over extending them.
I cried for them in Istanbul airport whilst composing
captions for the pictures I had taken, waiting to board my plane back to the
UK, knowing I had sat in their apartment and promised to do anything in my
power to help them.
This is why I am setting up Muhammed’s Hope, in a way the
idea I guess is that by doing this I am paying forward the kindness that was
extended to me during my recovery process. People like Marvi Lacar through
1in20, and Daniella Zalcman through Echo/Sight have been instrumental in
shining a guiding light on the path to recovery. Leonie & Greg Marinovich and Yasmin Al Tellawy for their help and advice in
the initial planning stages of Muhammed’s Hope.
Initially the focus is on helping Muhammed, but if we can
raise enough money through fundraising then we have the scope to help others
like him, of which there are unfortunately many.
You know, for me if we are successful in helping Muhammed
then the all of the pain and anguish that I have been through will have all
been worth it, because I wouldn’t be here today doing what I am doing for
him if it wasn’t for all the things that
had gone before. It’s all for a purpose. When I was growing up I used to read a
lot of existentialism, that’s all about carving your own path in life, it is up
to you which path you choose. What positives you can bring from the negatives.
It’s a beautiful world out there and you won’t get to see it if you don’t take
yourself out there.
Shortly I will be following Yasmin Al Tellawy’s awe
inspiring example and setting myself some physical fundraising challenges to
raise money to help Muhammed and his family, no matter how hard they are they
won’t come close to what that little boy has been through.
